Do you think marriage is all about finding that perfect companion? Someone who will love you perfectly and unconditionally? Maybe you think marriage is where you will never feel loneliness and your companion will always be there for you, fulfill all your dreams, and ultimately make you happy.
Don't you think that's a very tall order to ask of anyone? Would you be able to be that to someone? What if there is miscommunication, and you don’t fully understand what your spouse wants or expects, and so you cannot give them what they want and vice versa? Does that make it a failed marriage? No.
What if I say the main purpose of marriage is not about making you happy,
but about making you HOLY?
Over the years of being married I’ve learned these things, and maybe it will help you along your journey.
Always forgive, even if they don’t know how they’ve hurt you.
Think of others more highly than yourself.
You may know the verse “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” I’ve learned this does not mean stay up all night and make sure they understand fully how they’ve hurt you or how things went wrong. It's not about trying to fix everything that night, but it is about trusting, forgiving, and letting go that night. It's about trying to understand how you could have hurt them, and trusting God will help you solve things in His way and His timing, not yours.
It is better to be wronged than to have disputes.
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. In your anger or pain don't get tripped up and make it worse. Don't fan the flame of evil, but conquer evil with good.
God cares about justice and fairness. You need to learn to trust God to help you. He says he will go before you and fight your battles. He says revenge is His. So you need to look to Him for direction. If you want perfection and eternal love, then first receive it from God and then start giving it to others.
What you think of your spouse and what you tell them has the power of a curse or a blessing. Your words have tremendous power, so be very careful how you think and how you use your words. When you decide to think evil of your significant other, you start searching for proof of what you think to be right. This does not build anyone up, but destroys. Don't go there. Attacking a persons character will never accomplish what you think it will accomplish.
You need to learn how to speak life and love, and not multiply hurts and curses.
Model love. Lead with love.
On some things you will never see eye to eye, simply because you are two different human beings, and what really matters to you may not even come into consciousness to the other person. With great love and patience you can ask them to care about what you care about, but don’t expect stellar performance. Blaming, nagging or putting down their character should never come out of your month. Instead of these things demonstrate love and allow God’s power to rule in your relationship.
Destroy evil by doing good. That is the Christian way. Love your enemy. Yes, sometimes it will feel like your spouse is your enemy and you are theirs. Resist the devil. Evil is defeated if we turn away from it and have nothing to do with it. Always forgive, and don’t let hurt and grudges destroy you from within. Sometimes it will be a short while, and other times it will be years before a conflict is resolved and healed. You may also realize down the line that what you really cared about once wasn't such a big deal, or your heart was in the wrong place anyways. You did not forgive and you let some pain control you. Always be patient.
We are called to build each other up. A simple and practical way I have learned from my pastor is for every time you say a negative thing you must say four positive things. This will go a long way for you.
Also, a great marriage is not one that never has a conflict, but one that learns to have conflicts and disagreements well, by putting the problem on the table and by always looking to God for guidance, protection, strength and healing. Know when to take a breather. Know when to hand it off to God. If someone is angry, try to figure out what’s the hurt behind it.
We all long for heaven. Learning these often difficult lessons is just the begin to our understanding of what heaven is like, and how we can begin being that perfect someone to the other.
God bless you in your relationship.
In conclusion always remember this definition of LOVE:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Romans 12:10
10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.
Ephesians 4: 25-32
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbour, for we are all members of one body.
26 “In your anger do not sin”:Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.